So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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