I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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