You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize