After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Randomize
