If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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