i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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