Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
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