Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Randomize
