threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
