She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
