There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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