Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
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