Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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