There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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