i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
