new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
