Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
My underwear smells like fireworks.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
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