Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
