well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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