I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
he puts the penis in happiness.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
