I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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