Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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