I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
