Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize
