My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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