I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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