wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
