i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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