Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
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