Do vagina's smell?
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
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