i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
