I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
sex in a hospital.. check
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
