Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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