I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
