just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize