there's paper in my vomit.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
