i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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