He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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