It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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