My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize