I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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