You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
