it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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