i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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