Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
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