There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Randomize
