I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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