to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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