He disabled his match.com account in front of me
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
