Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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