3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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