This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
