turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Randomize
