There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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