So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Randomize