Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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