i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Randomize
