I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
